This is a talk I gave in church on March 15th, 2016. The new school year is only a few weeks away, and I'm feeling really nervous going into it after experiencing how hard the last school year was. I decided to pull up this talk that I wrote to remind myself of God's love for me and plan for me! I thought I'd share it here in case it helps anyone else as well. ♥
Today I am speaking about recognizing God’s hand in our
lives, and knowing that He provides for us. A couple of Sundays ago, after
church, Brother Nielson asked me if I would be willing to speak today. After I
agreed, he asked if there was a topic that had been on my mind that I felt like
sharing. I immediately answered, “Yes.” I told him that I would love to speak
about how the Lord provides for us. I actually almost bore my testimony in
Sacrament meeting that Sunday because I was reflecting on recent events and
feeling so grateful for the Lord’s providence in my life. However, I didn’t
bear my testimony in Sacrament meeting, and instead bore my testimony in Relief
Society, where I proceeded to sob uncontrollably about why life is hard and God
gives us trials. Apparently a lot can happen in two hours. I’m grateful for the
loving Relief Society sisters who didn’t judge me and who let me share my
deepest concerns with them in that moment, and I’m even more grateful to have
this chance to share with you the more uplifting and optimistic testimony that I
almost bore in this meeting two weeks ago.
The reason I know without a doubt that the Lord provides for
us is because of events that have occurred in my life, especially in the last
seven years since I moved to Utah to attend BYU. Because these events shaped my
testimony of this principal, I will spend a little bit of time talking about
them in detail and how they strengthened my faith.
When I first came to BYU, I planned on studying photography.
Photography was something I really enjoyed and I grew up always saying I wanted
to be a photographer. During summer term, I signed up for two of the visual
arts pre-requisite courses, and after the first day of classes, in which I had
to draw a chair and a pile of tubing for six hours straight, I dropped those
classes, and decided to change my major. Now, I’m well aware of the fact that I
pretty much gave up without even trying, but I remember feeling very calm and
hopeful about my decision to change my major (even though at the time I had no
idea what my new one would be). It was as if Heavenly Father was giving me a
quick answer, an easy out, so that I could start the process of finding what He
knew I would truly love to study.
After another year or two of experimenting with different
classes, I declared myself a family studies major. I was so drawn to those
classes and loved every single thing I learned. I ate up both the research and
the gospel principles we were able to study. I could feel that major changing
my perspective and, in turn, my whole life. I very much felt led to it, and
felt that it was a gift from a loving Heavenly Father who knew what I would
enjoy most and what would be of most value to me.
When I graduated, I wasn’t sure which direction I wanted to
go. During the months leading up to graduation, it was very hard for me to
answer the question, “So, what are you doing after you graduate?” Every time
someone asked me that, I literally pictured a black hole. I started to worry
that I hadn’t prepared enough, and that maybe I studied the wrong thing. But
every now and then I would receive reassurances that the Lord was pleased with
what I chose to study and that He would help me make it count.
After about a month of searching and applying for jobs in several
different fields, I found a listing for a position as an Assistant Montessori
Kindergarten Teacher at a school in Provo. To be honest, I was first drawn to
the position because my best friend was the secretary at the school at the
time. I told her about the listing, and naturally we both freaked out with
excitement at the thought of working at the same place. However, I also was
drawn to the job because I remembered receiving the impression that working in
a classroom might be something I would want to do. I first received that
impression my freshman year of college. It was strong, completely random,
lasted for about three days, and didn’t come back again until after I
graduated.
As some of you know, I applied for the job, received it, and
have been working there for the past three years. It has completely changed my
life. First, it has taught me that God knows us better than we know ourselves.
I had no idea I loved children. I knew I liked them, and I didn’t mind
babysitting them, but I had no idea that they were my people! Even the age range I teach was perfectly tailored to me.
I can’t imagine teaching any age other than the 3-6 year olds. I feel such a
deep connection to them. Even when they
drive me crazy, and I will get to that J,
I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough for letting me associate with them.
They are the most special souls on the planet, and I’m so grateful that
Heavenly Father knew that I would love them as much as I do.
Second, my job has taught me that God cares about me. This I
know because of my relationship with my co-teacher, Melissa. I don’t really
believe that every single thing in life is meant to be – some things, in my
opinion, just happen – but I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father had a
hand in allowing Melissa and I to work together. I could write a novel
detailing all the things she’s done for me. She has been the greatest example
I’ve ever seen of someone who exhibits unconditional love and patience and
trust. She has carried me on multiple occasions when the weight of life’s
problems has dragged me down, and she has kept my faith strong when I was
doubting. I could talk forever about the things she has done for me. Her
friendship is priceless to me, as it has given me just a tiny glimpse of the
love that my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me and for all of us.
Lastly, my job has taught me that this life is a time of
testing. Teaching 3-6 year olds is easily the hardest thing I have ever done. I
can’t adequately describe the level of stress one can reach when being placed
in a room with twenty tiny humans who either need you or aren’t listening or
are throwing a tantrum or just had an accident or are just being silly kids. I
have been pushed to my absolute limit on multiple occasions, and have cried to relieve
the stress more times than I can count. Simply put, it has been hard.
This last year especially was very difficult for me. I felt
that the joys of the job were no longer outweighing the stresses. I was
constantly tired and emotionally drained at work. In addition to work stress, I
was struggling financially, I was losing many of my close friends to moves and
marriage, and I was going through a time of being very aware of and sad about
my single status. I just kept feeling like life shouldn’t feel this way. It
shouldn’t be so hard, so sad, so difficult. I started to question what I was
doing with my life, and if God was really there and really cared. Something
inside of me kept saying to hold on to hope, since I knew I had been led at
least this far, but it was so hard to see a hopeful future at all when
everything seemed to be so discouraging and unhappy.
It was over Christmas break that I very first had the
thought that maybe I should quit my job. I knew that it was only wise to stay
at my job if I saw myself eventually becoming a full-time teacher, and at the
time I felt like that was definitely not what I wanted to do. I held on to this
thought for a couple of weeks, and finally voiced it to Melissa one day during
our lunch break. I told her my concerns about the job and admitted that I was
thinking of maybe not coming back next year because I was pretty positive that
I didn’t see myself being a head teacher. I probably went on for about five
minutes while Melissa listened so well as she always does. Finally, when I was
done, she responded with something to the effect of, “Well… I was actually just
in Miss Lois’s office… and she asked me what I thought about you being a head
teacher next year.” Talk about irony. Melissa and I teach the two half-day
kindergarten classes together, but the full-day kindergarten class is losing
its teacher next year because she is having her first baby in the summer. I
surprisingly felt very little emotion when Melissa told me this, probably
because I was just so emotionally drained, and I was pretty sure I had made up
my mind already that I wasn’t coming back. But it didn’t take long for me to
have a change of heart.
Within just a few hours, I was already feeling very hopeful
and optimistic about the job. I remember feeling significantly happier the next
day at work just because I had been thinking about it. I didn’t have a ton of
reasons to feel this way – I think at the time all I knew was that this job
offer meant doing something different and getting paid more. For a couple of
days my emotions went back and forth as I considered the pros and cons. I knew
that I felt hopeful about it, but I was still terrified of accepting it and
making the wrong choice. It was that weekend, during the Worldwide Devotional
for Young Adults, that my heart began to change and I felt like I had received
an answer from heaven.
That evening in January, President and Sister Nelson were
speaking at BYU-Hawaii. Sister Nelson spoke first, and although her talk was
only about ten minutes long, it hit me with such great force that I’ll never
forget it. I experienced that sensation where you feel like the speaker is
talking directly to you. In short, she spoke about being desperate. She said,
Think of the woman who, for 12 years, endured an incurable
disease. She stretched out her hand to touch the Savior’s robe. This was her
only chance to be healed.
Think of the man at the pool of Bethesda who, for 38 years,
suffered with an illness and had never been the first one into those healing
waters.
Think of the Savior’s disciples who, with life-threatening waves
crashing around their small fishing boat, cried out to the Savior, “Carest thou
not that we perish?”
What did these people have in common?
They were desperate! Desperate for the Savior to heal them, help them, cleanse them,
guide them, protect them, and save them! They were desperate for Jesus Christ
to help them do things they could never do on their own. They were desperate to
have the Savior’s strength and power in their lives.
Sister Nelson’s words resonated so strongly with me. I could
not think of a more accurate word to describe my situation than “desperate.” I
was so desperate to change something in my life so that I felt happier. She
continued her talk and explained how desperation can be a great motivator. She
said,
Clearly the Prophet Joseph Smith experienced intense desperation
in Liberty Jail. He pled with the Lord, “O God, where art thou?” Because of such intense spiritual desperation, the Prophet
received some of the most sublime revelations of this dispensation.
When we’re desperate to be guided by heaven, we work harder than
ever to tune in to heaven. When we’re desperate to be physically healthy, we
eat and exercise accordingly. No excuses! When we’re desperate to have more
money, we eagerly follow the Lord’s law of finances—which is, of course,
tithing!
She continued to share other situations in which we find
ourselves desperate and do what it takes to free ourselves from that bondage. She
concluded by saying,
I pray that this year you will have some moments of anguishing
desperation that will propel you further along the path to becoming the man or
woman you were born to be. Your true self is spectacular! Never settle for
less.
After her talk, my heart was full. I felt at peace, and knew
by a spiritual confirmation that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my
situation. He comforted me during Sister Nelson’s talk, and, because He knows
me perfectly well, he proceeded to address my biggest fears in President
Nelson’s talk.
President Nelson spoke about being true millennials. He
talked about how the world thinks of millennials in a much different way than
the Lord does. To the world, we are lazy, needy, and incompetent. To the Lord,
we are strong and special spirits reserved to come to the earth at this exact
time to prepare the world for the second coming. President Nelson gave four
recommendations for how we can stand and live as true millennials. It was his
second recommendation that spoke to my heart: Expect and prepare to accomplish
the impossible. Although I had felt good and peaceful about accepting the job
offer, the logical side of me was shouting, “Hello?! This assisting job is the
most stressful thing you’ve ever done, and you somehow think that doing it
full-time is going to be better? What would be better is to quit this field and
go work at a spa.” But President Nelson’s words comforted me. He said, “I know how
unnerving it can be to be asked to do something that seems far beyond your
capacity,” and he proceeded to talk about his daunting assignment in
1985, during the Cold War, and after only being an apostle for 19 months, to
open the countries of Eastern Europe for the preaching of the gospel. He felt
that it was utterly impossible. He faced obstacle after obstacle, but said, “I was privileged to watch the unfolding of
one miracle after another—always, and only, after I had brought
my best thinking, my most courageous efforts, and my most fervent prayers to
the task.” By 1992 he was able to report to
President Benson that the Church was now established in every country in
Eastern Europe.
I went to bed that night feeling so
grateful for the Lord’s care and concern for me. I know that those talks were
not written for me alone, but I also know that they were both such direct
answers to my fervent prayers. Even Melissa texted me after the devotional and
said, “You were watching that, right?!” We both knew that the Lord was aware.
To make a long story short, I
officially accepted the job offer, and have found it hard NOT to see the hand
of the Lord very clearly in my life since. It would take too long to explain,
but I have become aware of many aspects of the new position that are different
from my current one and that are much more suited to my temperament and personality.
In short, the Lord addressed my deepest concerns and has provided a way to
alleviate the problems that were most challenging to me. I know that there are plenty
of new challenges ahead, and I try not to get overwhelmed thinking about them,
but I also know that for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful about the
future. Because I’m going to be a head teacher, I have to do my 8-week
Montessori training this summer and start the process of getting my teaching
license. Not only has the Lord provided me with friends from my own school to
do the training with, He has also provided exactly enough funds for me to get
my license and start to build my own classroom. (I do photography on the side,
and even with the very little marketing I’ve done this year, I’ve been able to
schedule enough photo shoots to take care of those extra expenses. I’ve also
learned over the past seven years that I don’t really have the drive to do
photography full-time, and therefore it’s a really good thing that I didn’t
major in it. This is another testament to me that Heavenly Father knows us
better than we know ourselves!)
I have spent most of this talk
detailing how the Lord has provided for me in my career, but I know He has
provided for me in every other area of my life as well. Just this weekend, my
amazing friend Chelsea, who I have lived with longer than anyone else, and have
experienced sooo many ups and downs of life with, moved out of our house and
into her newlywed apartment that she will share with her husband in June. This
has been hard for me, but would have been so much harder had not M.E. moved in
the very next day. Heavenly Father knows I am the type of person that needs my
girls, and He knew that this last year I had been feeling a bit lonely as many
of my close friends moved away and/or got married. Just when I was thinking I
wouldn’t have a close friend to move into Chelsea’s room and help heal the
wound when she left, I started to develop a stronger relationship with M.E.,
and it quickly became obvious to both of us that we would love to live
together. I know that the Lord cares about the details of our lives and that
His timing is perfect.
To conclude, we have a parakeet in our classroom named
Sparrow. He is a daily reminder to Melissa and I that God cares about us. “Are not five sparrows sold for two
farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs
of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than
many sparrows.” Luke 11:6-7. I know that the Lord provides for us. I know
that He directs our paths. I also know that we have agency, and that He
respects it. But if we turn to Him and fervently pray for guidance, He will
help us exercise that agency righteously and in the way that will ultimately
bring us the greatest happiness. I also know that, even after we’ve received an
answer, we still need to exercise faith. I am terrified on a daily basis about
having my own classroom next year, even though I have felt prompted that this
is the right thing for me to do right now. But the Lord expects us to exercise
faith in His plan and follow the whisperings of the spirit. That is what we are
on Earth to do. You are not alone, you are not forgotten, and as long as you
are doing the Lord’s will, you are not aimlessly wandering. He loves you and
wants the best for you, and knows how to bring you the greatest amount of
happiness. I have a testimony of these things, and I share them in the name of
Jesus Christ. Amen.
In our church, we often close our remarks "in the name of Jesus Christ," and then everyone says amen. :) I'm so thankful for the simple reminders we get when we write things down! Reading this talk again has really made me want to be better at recording spiritual impressions I receive, so that I can be helped in future hard times as well. ♥
