hrm.

Sometime's it really is just hard to be nice. Maybe I'm thinking this right now because I'm PMSing today (let's just face it folks! it's nature!) but it really takes a lot of effort for me sometimes. People (I hate how conceited this is going to sound) have told me so many times that I'm the nicest person they know or something along those lines. But it always amazes me when people say that I guess because I know what's really going on inside of me. I do think I'm a nice person but gosh.. sometimes I really just want to tell people how it is! I'm doing a group project right now and am getting so frustrated by the lack of commitment. I mean, everyone's doing their part I guess... but no one seems to care about being proactive. I feel like I'm being a babysitter - always designating. And when this project is due in a few days and we have so much left to do and we HAVE to meet tomorrow and I ask a group member if they can meet at a certain time and they say "probably" ..... I just get so frustrated! Probably?! What, you can make it if you feel like it? And even though I wanted to yell at this person so badly and just let out my frustrations.. I just smiled and continued the conversation politely. Oh my crappers. I may try very hard to be a nice person but I fear that on the inside I'm really just a jerk. Maybe not a total jerk, but there's definitely some jerky-ness in there. And it makes life frustrating because then if I let that side of me show even a little bit, people FREAK. OUT. because it's so not like Jennie. Oh.... it's just... frustrating. Sometimes I wish I didn't try so hard to be nice so that when I'm a little bit mean people wouldn't be so shocked about it. Holding my tongue is so hard sometimes... but I do it because I know that later I'll regret it. I just worry that I'm a big phony and not really as nice as I seem, because so many times I just get frustrated with people and want to yell at them! But if I think about it too much then I start to get way too down on myself and that is no bueno. I guess the only thing I can do is keep trying to be a nice person, but also learn when to speak up. THAT my friends... is a difficult thing for me to balance. But... here's to trying.