Ahh. So many thoughts.
I’m sitting in Sadie’s basement, and told her a few moments
ago about how I’ve had this certain blog post in my mind forever… about how I
feel I’ve lost my sense of creativity in the last year or so. And how it’s
annoying me so much!!
I have always been a super creative person. Always have
decorated every inch of my room, always have gone above and beyond on school
projects, always have bought viewfinder binders so that I could make cute
personalized covers for my different classes, always have personalized anything
I owned. I prided myself on my creativity. Everyone complimented me on it. It
was something completely natural to me and that defined me and that I LOVED and that encompassed my
entire life!
It was a big part of me loving photography too. I’ve always
loved taking pictures, but getting a professional camera made it SO much more exciting
and I wanted to do so many cool creative things! I could picture everything –
the poses I wanted to try, the locations, how I wanted my photography blog to look, how I
was lucky enough to have Photoshop skills and web coding skills so that I could
make my blog header and background look exactly how I wanted. I seriously felt
so blessed all the time that I loved and was good at something that I could
earn money doing. Like, perfect, right?!
Well recently… I’ve been feeling creatively dead. Like…I don’t
get excited about making my blog cute anymore. Rather, I get anxious. Because I
won’t be able to decide how I want it to look, and I know that no matter what I
do someone else's will look better. And especially when it comes to the
pictures themselves…I have been feeling dead. Lately when people e-mail me about wanting pictures,
I get anxious and almost go “Dang it!” How sad is that?! And it’s just because
I’m scared every time I take pictures now that I’m just getting worse, or that
my pictures just won’t be good or I won’t enjoy it. It’s so annoying not loving
it like I used to. Granted, I end up enjoying every photo shoot I go on, but I
hate that I’m not excited about going into it like I used to be. I’m not as driven. I don’t
even want to promote my business because I know that means I’ll have to do this way more often and I’m not feeling creative at ALL lately so that would just be
horrible! Alright, another person asking for engagements. Where do I take them?
Same place as last time? Do I feel like scoping out a new place? Didn’t I used
to LOVE driving around looking for new places? Where has my zeal gone? Why isn’t
this fun anymore?
Another part of the problem is that not only am I not
feeling creative, I’m forgetting what I LIKE! I have always had SUCH a distinct
style. I like colorful, bright, happy, flowery, cheerful things. But I’ve
forgotten that somehow. I think it’s because, quite frankly, ugly is in style
right now (there, I said it), and I feel like I have to like that. Okay, I
realize it might not be ugly to you, but to me…all these blah hues and boyish
styles are not pretty. I appreciate vintage as much as the next girl but come
on… where’s the color?! And why do we all think it’s cute to wear huge ugly
glasses?? Haha sorry. I guess I just feel like we’re in a fad that we’re going
to say “uhhh… what?” to later on.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m not feeling creative anymore
because I don’t have time to… but that’s definitely not it. I have a ton of
time while I’m not in school, but I waste all that time looking at other people’s
blogs and websites and seeing what awesome creative things they’re up to and
realizing that I’m currently not doing the awesome things they're doing. It’s like
this sick addiction…checking other people’s blogs. And then feeling like crap.
Haha. Why do we do this to ourselves?!
This got me thinking about Pinterest. I have a definite
love/hate relationship with Pinterest. You see, it’s awesome because you get to
see so many beautiful things all the time!! And then it’s awful because you get
to see so many beautiful things all the time. When is the last time you
actually created something you found on Pinterest? I know that for me, all I do
is look at things and pin them and get off. Awesome. (…No friends, not
awesome.) Not only is Pinterest a problem for me because I’m wasting so much
time dreaming about stuff I’ll never actually do, but it’s a problem because I’m
constantly seeing the best of the best. Oh, Jennie, you take pictures? Okay,
well look at these 5 bajillion other ones that are better than yours, and try
not to get sad about it. You have awesome ideas of ways to decorate your home
one day? Well don’t bother, because everything you’re about to see will blow
your ideas out of the water and you can bet your home will NEVER look that good.
Welcome to feeling average! Haha. Ahhhh… I just…I used to be proud of my taste
and my ability to find beautiful things and create beautiful things and know what my style is. It was my
strength. And now the most beautiful things in every category imaginable are
already found and at our fingertips. So we can either copy them, or feel lame about not being as good as them.
This particular blog post is what solidified my feelings
about all of this. I remember finding that picture and thinking, “Holy crap,
that’s the cutest, prettiest thing of my life! I love this, and it’s so me! How
special!” And I’m so sad because looking at it now… it barely catches my
attention. I probably wouldn’t repin it. Because I’ve seen better on Pinterest.
And it’s just mediocre.
Do you get what I’m saying?
I love Pinterest and I’m not saying it’s bad at all. I really do think it's awesome and I'm excited about all the cute things I've found on it. I’m
just saying that, lately, for ME, it’s been more of a foe than a friend. It’s
made me lose my desire and even ability to be as creative as I used to be. My
ideas don’t seem good enough anymore and I don’t feel blessed with a creative
spirit anymore, since I’m constantly seeing the work of more creative spirits
than my own. That’s why, for a little while, I’m not going to let myself get on
Pinterest, or certain other blogs that make me feel mediocre too. I need to
regain my sense of creativity. I need to remember what MY style is, and I need
to take pride in my creativity again. I also need to actually DO creative
things instead of staring at them all day. I will never get anywhere if I’m
constantly comparing myself to others. It’s a definite weakness of mine, and
Pinterest is making it even harder for me. I applaud those who pin things and
then actually do them or make them, but since I know myself
all too well, I’m not going to let myself on unless I’m actually searching for
a specific thing to do. Until then, I’m leaving the creating up to me, and I’m going
to get excited about being creative again. If this experiment works, I'll be able to get back on Pinterest someday soon and feel happy and inspired by all the things I see, rather than feeling mediocre and overwhelmed.
Here's to being creative Jennie again. :)
