I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

why is it...

...that I can't be myself when I'm at home? I missed provo the second I got back because I missed myself. everytime I come home I act different. like I'm 15. like I have to act the age I was when I lived here. it's such a weird complex thing. a stupid and annoying weird complex thing. why can't I just be the jennie I know and love?

humph.

well...at least I'm excited to go back. which is better than dreading it, right?

For Joseph AKA MooKooJoe

Dear Journal,

January 18, 1998

Today I went to church because it's Sunday. And every Sunday our family goes to church. When we got home my mom said that we could play videogames at 3:00 and the boy's kept on playing videogames sence 3:00. My dad is asleep in my brother's room. I was just telling my mom what the babysitter's wrote about us when my mom and dad were gone Saturday night. And the stuff that they wrote were realy silly.

Were watching a movie, about the old days. It's about a little dark skin girl who went to a light skin school. And that's how they made light skin and dark skin people go to the same school.

(I catch on quick.)

When the movie was over all of the kid's played with laundry basket's.

(My parents bought us toys, I swear...)

February 6, 1998

I am spending the night at kelsi's house. We are watching a video thats called Double, Double toil in trouble. I had to go to sleep at twelve O clock because I couldn't go to sleep with the video on. At Kelsis house I slep on the floor and at Kelsis house I went to sleep at twelve oclock and at twelve oclock Kelsis mom turned off the video so I could go to sleep.

(Just wanted to make that clear in case you didn't get it the first 3 times.)

February 7, 1998

Me and Kelsi are playing with our babys and watching cartoons at the same time. We're going to teach our babys to ride a bike. So when their older the'll know how to ride a bike.

(Because the things we taught them today won't kick in for 5 years. Duh.)

February 8, 1998

I am at church we are listening to a lesson that the Bishop is talking about. I'm not shure what he is talking about cause I wasnt listening. But now their singing a song and its on page 158, its almost time to go to primary but I'm goona still write untill its time to go to primary. I'm not singing the song because I cant write and sing at the same time so I'm not goona sing I'm goona write in this Journal.

(Good to see I have my priorities straight.)

March 7, 1998

Last night we were goona buy Diddy Kong Racing but instead we bought Mario Kart 64. It's a real fun game it's so fun I even like it better than Diddy Kong Racing!!! Lee and Neal are playing two player on Mario Kart 64, Lee keeps on saying: wait for me brother! And Neal keeps on crashing caus theres a bunch of cars and trucks that Neal and Lee keep on crashing into.

(This is my childhood in a paragraph.)

May 9, 1998

Yesterday Noah slep over, hes maybe going home in the afternoon, that's what Lee said. Last night I fell asleep, and last night their was a thunderstorm, I was scard but then my mom and dad looked on the news and the storm was going under us then I wasnt scard but then my mom said theres going to be an hour of the storm left, then I was scard again.

I was extra scared.

(I even wrote that last line all smaller and scraggly. Awesome.)

in case you were wondering..

..my husband will be treated like GOLD.

I hope this post doesn't sound whiny. I'm soo not intending for that.

yesterday as I was walking home from class, I was wondering once again if I'd ever get married. I know, I'm only 20. but I honestly just fear that I will never find that person for me. like, I'm seriously bracing myself for it. I just think that finding that special person is the luckiest thing that could ever happen to anyone.

as I was walking, I pictured myself holding hands with a boy. a boy that I really liked and who really liked me. and holding hands would feel comfortable, and not awkward. I had so much love for this imaginary boy, it was kinda weird.. I realize it is still weird. haha! but all I could think about was how much I wanted to hug this boy and tell him he's cute and make him cookies and laugh at his jokes and make him realize how great he is. and then he would hug me and smile at me and that's all I would need in return.

let's hope I'm a lucky lady.

finals week is at the door.

and this cute little picture will get me through it!

"that's all folks!"

(tell me that statement didn't make you ridonkulously nostalgic! I can barely remember why it's making me nostalgic... some cartoon.. I'm almost positive... ah... help me if you know!)

umm...

I ate this entire thing yesterday.

yup.

24 ounces and 600 calories later... I'm still totally okay that I did it. haha! okay... well maybe I'm a little regretful. but only because that means I don't have any to eat right now...

cottage cheese forever! <3

right now...

...I really just want to hibernate. or watch a movie.

I don't know why I'm blogging about this.

I think I'm going to go take a nap before my night class...

yes, that sounds like a swell idea.

then I shall come home and get to work, and work all day tomorrow, and keep working saturday! (work = edit pictures and do homework.. for the record :))

good plan.

happy thursday!

Dear Proactiv,

I regret to inform you that you have been fired. From my face. Yes.

You see, I started using you in August. Today is December 1st. Since August I have been experiencing the worst acne of my life. Acne worse than the acne I had back in 9th grade. Acne worse than the acne I had BEFORE I started using you. I know, sometimes it takes a couple of months for the medicine to really start working. But with three solid months down, I think it's safe to say we were just not meant for each other.

I'm sorry. I really wish things could have worked out. But the time and money I've been putting into you simply isn't worth it anymore. Makeup is getting more and more expensive, and my self-esteem is slowly digging its way deeper into the earth.

Please don't take this personally. I'm trying not to.

I wish you the best in your endeavors to beautify the faces of acne-stricken adolescents everywhere.

Yours truly,
Jennie