comfort zones.

what would it be like if I actually told the people who annoy me that they annoy me? I know I could never do that. but I wonder what it would be like.

but then again, maybe I could do that. maybe I should do that. I don't believe in lying, after all.

not really sure where that came from.

no, that was a lie. I know where that came from. I need to be more genuine.

so anyway. last night I volunteered with some other students in the school of family life to spend some time visiting the patients at a dementia unit here in provo. I had been craving any kind of service opportunity so when I heard about this I signed up immediately. it was fun but also really out of my comfort zone at first. I mean, these people were essentially crazy. one woman spoke to me in german for about 10 minutes while I just smiled and nodded my head. another started out by asking me a question and then went off singing a riddle/tune thing. a sweet old man told me he forgot who he was when I asked him what his name was. I then told him my name and he told me he was Grant. another old woman, when I asked her what her name was, started babbling to me... quite literally like this, "da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da..." it was so hard because I didn't know what to do. /: you can only smile/nod so much. I just waited until she was done doing her thing and I just had to smile and turn away. it's so scary what happens to us when we're old. it makes me terrified of growing older. there was this awesome woman there, her name was jo babb. short for josephine. she seemed totally normal so I have no idea why she was in that place rather than a normal nursing home. but as she was talking to a few of us, she pointed to her bedroom door, and right outside was a picture of her and her husband. It looked like it was taken in the 50s. she was so beautiful and young and they were such a cute couple. the woman in front of me looked 93 and her skin had completely formed around her eye sockets. but she had cute slippers, a cute blanket, and a cute ring. :) it's scary though. I don't want to grow old. I especially don't want to go crazy. but it also makes me so grateful for how comparatively normal my grandma was when she passed away. overall, it was a fun time. the people I went with were awesome and we had lots of good laughs. we even sang "once there was a snowman" and "popcorn popping" for them. :) I'm grateful I was able to spend time with them and brighten some of their days.

being a photographer is another thing that has forced me to get out of my comfort zone.

I'm a shy person at first. my best friends will tell you I'm crazy and goofy but at first I can be really shy, which comes off as snobbish a lot of the time (cannot tell you how many people told me they thought I was a snob before they got to know me.) I'm a very chill person who just likes to hang out with people in pajamas while eating food. I love to go places and people watch. I love going to parties where I get to benefit from the atmosphere but don't have to contribute. as a photographer, however, I have to immediately put on my social face no matter what mood I'm in. I have to be outgoing, not socially awkward (my friends. this is a task for me.), and professional but also down to earth. it's hard having to just turn on that button. but it's been good too.

like today for instance. I was driving around looking for an old barn to take engagement pictures at. I drove by a perfect location, so I got out of my car, walked right up to the farmer who was feeding his cows, introduced myself as a photographer, and asked if I could take pictures at his barn next week. he just smiled at me the whole time and proceeded to ask a few more questions. I answered and eventually he said I could. and then I reached out my hand to shake his and thanked him. and I felt like weirdly adultly cool for 2 seconds. but then I got back in my car and jammed to music and felt 13 again. sweet.

sometimes I wonder if I'll be strong enough to really take my photography to the next level. I'm such a chill and relax person that it becomes a fault. I get behind on editing and don't practice as much as I need to because I'm too much of an optimist and think everything will be okay. or I think I have plenty of time. I'm only 20. I have so much time to get better. but how awesome would it be to take advantage of this time now and be so great when I'm 24? ONLY 24? I need to work harder.

but sometimes, I really do just want to sit and think and stare at the mountains and eat ice cream. or cereal. cereal's super good. I had 2 bowls today. frosted mini spooners. I get mad when there are pieces that aren't frosted..

I hate when people get "your" and "you're" mixed up. and lately I've been doing it all the time. I think it's karma for being judgmental.

crap I have so much coming up this week...

as always, I love byu. love it so much. my professors are incredible. I'm learning so much. I'm becoming a better person each day. I'm also being so humbled each day. my life is so blessed. and other people rock.

kari & I watched the prince and me tonight. so cute. I really hope I get married.

the only thing that can motivate me to get done the things I need to get done is to think of my Heavenly Father and wanting to please Him. so, here I go. to study and then to bed. tomorrow will be productive if it kills me.

if you read all this, you deserve a medal. seriously. or at least a bowl of frosted mini spooners.