Midnight thoughts (AKA long boring post)

It is a good or a bad sign when you want to marry someone strictly because of how much you love their family?

I hate that routine I get into every summer where I stay up til 2 and sleep in til 12 and my body aches all day because I've been so lazy. And yet I love it, because it's just so.... summer! And it would be wrong for it to be different!

I'm really glad my two older brothers got married before me, even though I always thought I'd for SURE get married first. I've learned so much from their marriages. Not so much about marriage.. but more about the people you marry. Like... I've learned that relationships take time to form and that we really just marry our friends. Haha I know that sounds dumb.. but I just always picture this super handsome smooth-talker charming guy sweeping me off my feet one day.. when really, it'll probably just be this guy who I wasn't in love with at first but who I've grown to be comfortable with and stuff. And like, he's gotta fit in with my chill family.. so it's not like he's going to be that different from us.. and we're just.. you know.. normal... haha. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Also, it's funny that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm going to be able to be 100% myself around my husband. I just have this stupid mindset that marriage is too good to be true and won't ever happen to me, so obviously if it DOES happen, something's not going to be right. For example, I won't be able to be my complete self. But what the heck that is so stupid of course I'll be able to be myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if I'm ever considering marrying someone I am not my COMPLETE self around, someone please slap me with a wet fish! Jeez!

I'm mental.

And you know what I realized the other day? I am totally emotional and dramatic. I like to think I'm not... but I am. I think I like to deny it because I worry so much about what people think of me.. and I hate to admit that I was that stereotypical 15 year old girl that wrote emotional thoughts all over her Myspace page and thought she was in love when she was 12. Bahhh. But whatever, right? Why does it bother me to be myself? If I'm going to be the same emotional dramatic blogger I was when I was a teenager I might as well embrace it. Even if I regret this paragraph in the morning (which I will. silly nighttime.) But I also have come to realize that we're really all like this. We all have deep thoughts and emotions... some of us just choose to publicly blog about it cuz we're craycray.

I'm officially a senior at BYU.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yeah. I know.

And I have zero plans so far for after graduation.

But I'm seriously okay with it. It's weird.. I just don't feel like I have to worry about it yet. Sadie and I have talked about this before. How we just know that something will come into our life when it needs to. And I know that the time will come where I'll seriously start thinking about what to do after graduation.. but right now I'm okay.

I hate that in 3 years I'll read back on that and hate the above paragraph and think I was being naive.

That's it! THAT'S why I hate giving into my emotional/dramatic side! Because when I write stuff down like this... I totally feel it 100%. But I KNOW that at a later time I will look back on it and be like "I was so dumb." Why?? I'm telling myself, RIGHT NOW, that I am not allowed to read back on this later and judge myself for it! Jennie! You felt these feelings... you were not being dumb or naive. You ... galsdjlaksd! Hahaha I can't explain it but I hate it so much! Just that no matter what I write, I know, even while I'm writing it, that I'll roll my eyes at it later. It's so annoying. Why do I do that?

Mrahhhhhhh.

I'm so glad Utah isn't as humid as Alabama. I was outside for 20 minutes today and my stupid hair got all frizzy and my bangs curled and I was like UH-UH thisisNOThappn'n!

I hate that I know that when I'm 30, I'm going to look back at myself right now and be mad at myself for not liking more boys or dating more or taking more chances with boys. I'm going to be mad at myself for not "living" more. But here I am.. defending myself to 30 year old Jennie!! I just don't get crushes that often, and when I do they don't last very long or they aren't reciprocated. And I really, really, really, really, really fear hurting people's feelings. I could easily find a guy I thought was cute but didn't really like and use him to fill that void, but that would be so stupidly selfish and rude. I could never hurt someone like that. I think that's why I take such a long time to open up to guys. I want to make SURE I like them before I show interest because I don't want to lead anyone on and then end up not liking them. How sad would that be? I guess that's normal... and just part of it... but I hate hate HATE the thought of trying to like someone just because I'm so desparate to like someone only to realize that I really don't like them and have known that all along and now their feelings are hurt because I'm a big MEANIE! And I know it's not because I'm meeeean but... I just.. Blahhh. I just hate when people lead people on. I've definitely hated it when guys have done it to me. Hurts like no otha.

Oh, blog posts.

I would never write a post like this at 12 noon. But something about 1:46 AM makes it okay. Why does nighttime do this to us? Seriously, along with feeling happy when a baby laughs and being led to feel different emotions when we listen to different types of music, I feel like being more emotional at night is one of those things that God just planted in us. I wonder why. Hmmm.

Sometimes I wish college took 10 years just so I wouldn't feel lame for not being married, haha. Because when I think of it in terms of years in college... being a senior at BYU and still not having a serious relationship is depressing. But when I think of it in terms of how OLD I am... being 21 and not married is FIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chillax Jennie!! Stop thinking in terms of college years or you're gunna go crazy! You're just a baybeeee!! It's gunna be. O. KAY.

Hahahaha if anyone has read this far, seriously, leave a comment so I can send you condolences... and money.

Just kidding, I have no money.

Which is a problem if I'm going to really try to get into the Winter 2013 Jerusalem study abroad... ah! /:

Okay. It might be time to end this thing.

Life is good. I am weird. You are cool. Goodnight. <3