Pondering in the Periodicals

I'm sitting in the periodicals right now (a certain section of the BYU library) where I've studied a bajillion times before. And I'm realizing that this is one of the last times I'll ever study in here... Maybe even the last. It's crazy! /: And I just wanted to write down and remember that I love it here, and that there really is such a special spirit here at BYU. In this huge room of hundreds of students are so many amazing people. Sometimes it's truly overwhelming being surrounded by SO MANY amazing people, but sometimes it's the best feeling in the world. If anything has ever been a testament to me of the truthfulness of my faith, it's the amazing, well-rounded, Christ like people it produces. Seriously, that's what it always comes down to for me. You just can't fake something like that. I'll miss you BYU. ♥

What it all comes down to.

Okay. This has got to be quick because I'm supposed to be writing 2 essays that are due in 3 hours... bah!

But just now, as I was checking my e-mail, I was reminded of something. I was cleaning out my spam folder when I came across three different but very similar e-mails that I'm sure you've all received. The person begins by introducing him or herself and his or her family, then delves into this financial plight they are in, and then finally asks if you will send your personal information and money to help them out. First of all, HA!!! Seriously? Who on earth falls for this? Okay, second. I can't help but KNOW that the root of all good or evil is in the family. This person writing these deceitful lies probably had uninvolved or authoritarian parents. There was probably a serious issue with distance regulation. Way too much or too little enmeshment. Had positive family rituals been present, any tendency to lie would have been detected early, or more likely avoided altogether. Any inevitable difficulties during the teen years could have been handled by parent and child working together in a relationship of trust and understanding. Sure, teen angst will always exist, and I'm the poster-child of it, but teen angst is way less likely to lead to crime or misconduct if teens have parents as a secure base who continually influence the child in positive ways and are there for them. It just all comes down to the parents and how they raise their children. It's INSANE to me that some people in this world think that parents don't matter - that children just grow up the way they were born to. No, no, nooooo!! Parents make the biggest difference in the universe! If you don't believe me, just watch this (which is unfortunately only a preview and doesn't even begin to get into the horrors), and then read even one research article on parenting practices. Fortunately, not many people believe that parents don't matter, but if any one believes that, that's one too many.

Anyway, I really need to get back to my essays!! But I just had to say this. And I could expound so much more. But basically, if people cared more about the family and strengthening it, the problems in this world of crime, violence, substance use, immorality, sex trafficking, and general dishonesty would DIS. A. PPEAR. Parents matter. Families matter. The way you raise your children matters. How you raise your children is a huge part of determining who they will be. Yes, biology has a strong influence and so does agency, but never forget that your influence as a parent is just as strong, if not stronger. And of course, children who aren't raised well by their parents can still become transitional characters and make changes in their lives, but how parents parent will always make a difference.

The moral of the story is... every time I wonder if my major is legit, I'm reminded that the family really is the root of all the good or evil in this world, and I know that I'm doing something important that matters and will make a difference.

So GO BE AN AWESOME PARENT!! Just love 'em, for crying out loud! (But don't forget appropriate restrictions... or else you're just being permissive, which is the 3rd evil after uninvolved and authoritarian. ;))

The end.

About that........

The goal: Wake up early. Work on homework until midnight.

What happened: Slept in. Went to the women's soccer game. Touched homework for about an hour. Went to the last home football game.

I don't regret it at all. This entire semester I've had the mindset of, "Will I remember staying home and studying and doing super well on that test, or will I remember going down the Provo river on an air mattress that popped and hitchhiking our way to our car??" (True story. It was awesome.) So, like I said, I don't regret it. But Monday & Tuesday are going to be HEEEEEEEECK. Hahaha. :( 3-4 page outline for my research paper (with basically no clue of what I'm going to write, btw), 5-6 page paper for my health class, and a test on Monday that, well, I will start studying for on Monday. Ohhh boy... have I mentioned I can't WAIT to be done with school? I just really.. really can't wait. I can't wait to have time to be happy and dream again. I can't wait to have time to do crafts and care about my photography 534023479234 Xs more than I do right now. I can't wait to have hours at a time to focus on things I love again - basically crafting/decorating and photography. I miss you so. Really.. I miss caring about you. I'm just so uninspired when I'm annoyed with school work. I can't wait to be dooooonnnnnnnneeeeeeee. And rediscover the things I once loved so much more than I do now. It's just so frustrating not feeling inspired. Photography especially was so exciting in the beginning. And now I'm just like "I don't have time for fun personal photos." I was talking to someone tonight who I had just met, and I complimented her amazing makeup and she said she only had it on because her friend is a photographer and uses her as a model from time to time just for fun. And she talked about how cool that was to have a photographer as a friend. And one of my roommates was there too, and I quietly joked to her, "I'm such a terrible friend," because I nevverrrrrrr randomly want to take fun cute pictures of my roomies. And that's all I used to want to do with my friends. But I'm just so. un. in. spired. lately. And that extra "fun" personal work would feel like a chore and just more stuff I have to do. I hate it. I want the love back. Give it back to me. :(

I have full faith it will come back though. Because it was SO STRONG and natural. I really truly think that once I'm done always concentrating on school... that I can fully dedicate myself to my old artsy loves again. I miss them a lot. I miss them being the thing I was good at, and that I could make others happy through. I just want to sit in the middle of the living room, crafting up a ridiculously cute birthday present for someone that takes way too long to make while watching HGTV. Sigh. I just hope it comes back.

Okay. Time for bed. Like I said.. Monday will destroy me. I might as well be well-rested, haha. Goodnight my loves.

Happy Halloween

I'm about to be melodramatic.

I'm sitting on my couch right now on Halloween doing nothing. It's not that I wasn't given options of things to do - I just am in that stupid hazy mood I get in sometimes where I know I would hate being around people. Why, hazy mood.... Why must you be here right now?????? I think it came once I realized I didn't have a costume. And that sucks. Because it's Halloween. And I didn't get out of class until 9 flipping PM! And I'm in college and sitting on my couch!! And I can't even watch a Halloween movie because our cable isn't working. Guys. This is lame. I know I'll feel better in one hour when I'm out of stupid hazy mood. But right now I'm really bummed, because my desire to do something is just as strong as my desire to avoid people. I hate this mood more than I can describe.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just hate missing out on the fun because I can't get out of a funk. (Please no "You are the master of your emotions" comments.) It's ok. As my roommate told me.. I have the rest of my life to celebrate Halloween! This is just one I'm missing. And, I DID go on a "haunted" ski lift ride last night. So I got my Halloween fill somewhat. But my heart is sad that I never dressed up or did anything crazy fun. :( Ahhhhh.

Okay. It's all good. (See? I just have to write out my emotions and then I feel better.)

K. 1.5 hours left of this night. We'll see what happens. Happy Halloween my dear friends. I genuinely hope you're having a great, fun, spooky night. <3

Sometimes I am an idiot.

Don't try to make me feel better.

It is the truth.

I have a huge test tomorrow and I AM SO UNPREPARED and ALL I CAN DO IS LOOK THROUGH OLD PICTURES.

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Senioritis. SOOOO MUCH SENIORITIS.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I know people are all, "Live in the now! Enjoy the moment! Life will always be hard!"

And I agree.

BUT.

I.. KNOWWW.. that my life will be significantly happier after I graduate haha. No more stress ALWAYS. Yes, still stress. But no more school stress!!

ughh. please don't make me write another paper. ever. again. -_-

mahhhhh.

k I'm going to bed for 4 hours now and then waking up and dying... PEACE.

2 weeks down.

Still going strong!

Some things never change.

The second I realize I have a lot of stuff to do,

I go in CRAZY SLOW-MO MODE.

And I take the entire night to do it.

When, really, it probably could have been done in like... 4-5 hours. 4-5 hours ago...

Just one of those funny things that never changes.

Back to work....

so weird

Sadie and I just realized that, when it comes to homework in college, 88% of our time spent completing it has looked like this:

And what is SO WEIRD... is that that might not be true for you and your major.

You may never, ever read research articles.

Like... it's just so hard to fathom! Because we seriously do alll. theee. tiiimmeee. Haha.

Just thought that was cool/weird...

Now think about something that you ALWAYS have to do and then realize that not everyone has to do that and let your mind be blooowwwn!

This is it.

I think I finally, finally, finally...

am going to stick to a workout regimen.

My roommate has 3 of the Kettleworx DVDs.

You do them each once a week with a kettle bell (we have 10 lb ones), and they're only 20 minutes long.

On Tuesday I did cardio.

IT. KILLED. ME.

I was shaking the entire time and basically dying. It was great. If Bronwyn hadn't cheered me on halfway through I honestly would have given up. My thighs were so sore for 3 days straight. Like, I caught myself laughing at how ridiculous it was that I was almost limping across campus one day. Seriously, sooooo sore. But that's such a weirdly awesome feeling, isn't it?

Tonight Taylor and I did the core workout.

MUCH easier than cardio, but still really hard near the end.

But it feels so good!

I don't know what it is.. maybe that I know a roommate is doing it with me, or that it's only 20 minutes long, or that I can do it in the comfort of my home, or that it's a different DVD each time, but I think I'm really liking it.

I'm saying "I think" because I know myself and I know that I always give up on working out.

Always.

No sugar coating here.

But I really feel the drive to do it this time. And just seeee what it would be like if I actually did exercise. I've always wanted to.. I've just always HATED it haha. But I'm enjoying this. And I want to stick to it. And Taylor and I are holding each other accountable, dang it!!

Tomorrow we're doing the resistance work out!

In the future we'll be aiming  to work out Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.

WISH US LUCK!!!

And determination. ;)

Their Biggest Fan

But really, I'm my roommate and her fiance's biggest fan.

So I'm sharing this adorable post with you. You're welcome. :)

Also, I bought the white case. ;)

12:36 AM...

...and I'm looking at Kate Spade iPhone cases, naturally.

I will show you 4.

Which one is most me??

I already know the red one is the least me... I've never really been drawn to red. But for some reason I find myself attracted to it right now. Ah!

Sigh. This reminds me of the day Sadie and I reactivated our Facebooks after months of being off. And we hated so many things about being back on. This one guy posted a picture of two types of shoes and asked for opinions about which he should get. Sadie and I, in our in-the-world-but-not-of-the-world state, were like, "OH MY GOSH IT DOESN'T MATTER JUST PICK ONE! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK!!! WE HATE FACEBOOK AND LIFE AND OUR GENERATION!"

We were cleansed, you see.

And now I am that guy.

I'm acting like my life and whatever anyone has ever thought about me depends on which case I get.

I hate that.

SO you should decide for me.

k thanks. ;)

I wish I was joking..

..or even just exaggerating.

But for the past 24 hours, our internet has been able to load literally every single page except the one we want.

I say we because my roommates can testify to the madness.

GAHHHH.

One day... I will be able to afford my own wonderful, beautiful, fast internet provider...

How would the world react...

...if it knew just how many tears were shed in a college girls' apartment?

awkwardness consumes my life.

So in one of my classes, our professor wanted to get to know us better, so she gave us sheets to fill out about ourselves and then we would meet with her and go over them for about 10 minutes.

Well, I of course put off filling out my sheet until 5 minutes before my appointment.

As I'm reading the items, I came to one that said, "Tell me something unforgettable about you."

Crap.

At any other school, I could easily say, "I'm Mormon! That's unforgettable!" But obviously not at BYU. 

I seriously couldn't think of anything. Everyone at BYU is incredible. They all hike mountains in their spare time and travel to foreign countries to teach people English. They were all the valedictorians at their high schools. They all play a musical instrument. They all do everything, and they do it well. They are all unforgettable, and therefore, finding something uniquely unforgettable about me was hard.

Finally, I came up with the only thing I could think of (and honestly still the only thing I can think of... let's just say this was not a confidence boosting experience overall). I decided that I was unforgettable because I was both drum major and prom queen my senior year of high school.

*insert anti-climactic sigh*

I was trying to go with the funny theme. Like.. ha, ha! I was queen of the band nerds.. but I was also queen of the prom! Ha..! That's funny! Because usually the drum major is like, a nerd, you know? Or like, a boy. And like, I was the drum major. But I was also cool enough to be prom queen. I guess. At least according to the junior class because the seniors weren't allowed to vote so there wouldn't be any drama. So... Haaa. That's funny and unique...ish...... right?

You guys. It was so bad. Here is how it went down:

(About halfway through our meeting)

Professor: Alright, something unforgettable about you... You were both drum major and prom queen your senior year of high school?

Me: Haha, yeah... I know that's kind of weird... but I couldn't think of anything else.. I just thought it was kind of funny... because those things don't usually go together, you know?

Professor: *vacant smile*

Me: Like, you know.. in the movies.. the drum major and the prom queen are always sooo different. Like the drum major is the leader of the nerds and the prom queen is like miss popular. Ha.. so it's just kind of ironic and funny that someone could be both.. you know?

Professor: *trying really hard to maintain the vacant smile*

Me: I went to a really small high school.

*face palm*

Nothing like making the person who grades your papers think you're an airhead!

Now to leave this post on a higher note, I introduce you to the funniest thing I've ever seen.... this week.

:)

Happy Thursday!

I want to make you feel wanted

It's 2 AM.

Bronwyn and I are listening to this on repeat.

About an hour ago Taylor and I were sprawled on her bed talking about boys and life.

It's one of those nights.

Ahhhhh...

I'm so impatient.

Mr. Wonderful,

AKA

Mr. Hey Jennie I Totally Get You And Dig You,

please show your face.

You don't even have to be THE one, you could just be A one.

I'm sorry this comes up so often on this blog.

I'm too lazy to get my journal out. Ha.

Okay.

Back to my disgustingly confusing homework. >.<

Goodnight you lovely people.

slow down. stay strong.

So here's the thing.

Times are getting crazy.

The world is changing.

It's getting harder to stick up for your beliefs.

People (who unfortunately don't know what they're talking about) think you're crazy,

and you are still shaking your head at the ignorance of the world.

Just stay strong.

This is so random, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by the onslaught of immorality and rudeness in the world and I remember that this is a very real battle we are fighting against sin and ignorance.

And I've seen too many of my friends give in and forget what they believed in and it makes me crazy sad.

Do the little things to stay strong and faithful, guys. They make all the difference in the world.

But mainly - whatever you believe, just make sure it is something that promotes goodness. And don't be so quick to judge others on what they believe. Take some time to figure out why people believe what they do, and respect each other for it! I bet you anything that if you get down to the real reason someone believes in something, you will find something you have in common and you will connect over it. 

There is just too. much. hate and ignorance and judgment in the world right now.

And some of you may think some of my beliefs are hateful or judgmental, but if you think that then you don't know me at all. Take some time to understand where people are coming from. And just get rid of the stereotypes. Open your mind and your heart. There is goodness everywhere. Don't be so quick to judge.

Just. Don't. Be. So. Quick.

Okay. Enough seriousness. Time for a popsicle.

If you need a good laugh...

...then please, please, please read this.

Ninja Spider

you guys.

I am studying early on a saturday morning,

and there is a ninja spider.

I was sitting at the table,

when I noticed a spider dangling from the air.

  after just staring at him and his weird little spidey movements for a moment,

I decided he needed to go. because I needed to study.

so I simply grabbed his invisible web and cut it off, throwing whatever remained to the floor.

(he was a tiny spider. I didn't feel the need to kill him.)

well guess who showed up 5 minutes later on my NOTEBOOK right in front of me?!

ninja spider.

how did he do that?? crawl up from the floor on the other side of the table that fast?

so I flung him across the room with my pen.

you guys.

2 minutes later.

ninja spider is crawling on my laptop keys.

what?!

I tried to get him with my pen but he was too fast! and escaped into my laptop.

he emerged again, and after he legit jumped a foot in what appeared to be an attack toward my hand,

I promptly blew him off the table with great force.

I have no doubt ninja spider will return.

the moral of the story? ALWAYS KILL SPIDERS.

*UPDATE*

2 hours later.
ninja spider is back.
and crawling on my book....

no, I still didn't kill him. but I blew him away again.
I just can't... we've been through so much together!

**UPDATE**

5 hours later.
just got back from taking a test.
sitting at the table editing pictures.
guess who is dangling in front of my face, back where I saw him the first time?

well-played ninja spider. well-played.

Crossing the Line to Infinite

I was flipping through my roommate's book, The Gift of the Atonement, just now while eating my cereal, and I came across this entry. I know I need a reminder from time to time of just how amazing Christ's sacrifice was, so I thought I would share:

The suffering of Jesus Christ in the Garden and on the cross exceeded the combined suffering of all human beings. The suffering of Jesus was not just tough pain and a bad death, it was not just the most painful of all human experiences and deaths. The suffering of Christ was cumulative; it was in fact infinite. When Christ descended below all things, he crossed the line from the finite, that which can be measured, to the infinite. And as his suffering was infinite, so now is his glory infinite, and infinite also is his power to save. . . . "Therefore there can be nothing which is short of an infinite atonement which will suffice for the sins of the world" (Alma 34:12; see also 2 Nephi 25:16; Alma 34:10, 14; D&C 19:10-19).

Human nature makes us want to quantify, to measure the atonement of Christ, but his ordeal is off any scale; it is beyond our comprehension. Jesus bore not just the sins of the world, but the sorrows, pains, and sicknesses of the world as well . . . (See Alma 7:11-12). . . .

All the negative aspects of human existence brought about by the Fall, Jesus Christ absorbed into himself. He experienced vicariously in Gethsemane all the private griefs and heartaches, all the physical pains and handicaps, all the emotional burdens and depressions of the human family. He knows the loneliness of those who don't fit in or who aren't handsome or pretty. He knows what it's like to choose up teams and be the last one chosen. He knows the angusish of parents whose children go wrong. He knows the private hell of the abused child or spouse. He knows all these things personally and intimately because he lived them in the Gethsemane experience. Having personally lived a perfect life, he then chose to experience our imperfect lives. In that infinite Gethsemane experience, the meridian of time, the center of eternity, he lived a billion billion lifetimes of sin, pain, disease, and sorrow.

God uses no magic wand to simply wave bad things into nonexistence. The sins that he remits, he remits by making them his own and suffering them. The pain and heartaches that he relieves, he relieves by suffering them himself. These things can be shared and absorbed, but they cannot be simply wished or waved away. They must be suffered. Thus we owe him not only for our spiritual cleaning from sin, but for our physical, mental, and emotional healings as well, for he has borne these infirmities for us also. All that the Fall put wrong, the Savior in his atonement puts right. It is all part of his infinite sacrifice - of his infinite gift.

- Stephen E. Robinson

Alabama friends!

Hop on over to my photography blog to read about my potential visit home in August. :)

In short,

school used to feel like this:

now it just feels like this:

senioritis, baby!

sometiiiimes..

..you want to punch the world in the face.

thanks for letting me be an emotionally spastic blogger.

anyone else feeling crummy tonight?

microscopic update

operation hot arms is still in effect!

I've been doing push ups every night (girl ones.. yes)

and last night did 15 in a row without stopping.

I know this might be pathetic to you. 

but THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.

hooray!

if there's one picture that gives me motivation, it's this one from my sophomore year in high school:

oh arms. you were so little.
I just like this picture because it reminds me that it IS possible for them to be smaller. haha. (is all of this so weird to those of you who don't know/care what size my arms are now? ;))

hmm what else that might be interesting.

I photographed a wedding on thursday, and an extended family on friday (it was really fun!)

and today I'm trying my hardest to be productive.

I finally unpacked and organized, which was really hard to convince myself to do since I'm only living here summer term.

but it only took a couple of hours and I feel so at peace now. ahh.

and now it's on to reading, reading, reading. good old humanities.

but tonight! the party is on. as rochelle and I watch the princess and the frog haha.

it stemmed from me saying something in a different voice and rochelle saying I sounded like the girl from the movie... so we are now going to watch it and be happy. yessss.

I hope your day is going well! and if it's not, the 2 things that are always guaranteed to make me feel better are either serving someone or getting something done I've been meaning to get done. so take the next hour... and DO IT!! and then you will feel great. <3

speaking of creativity...

one of my favs.

it's important for us to stop worrying about what others are going to think about it and just do what WE love! do you like it? then it's perfect. <3

Creativity.. IN ACTION

my titles are getting cheesier and cheesier.

remember how a few posts down I talked about my taking a break from pinterest (which is still in effect)?

well this post is an example of an instance when pinterest acted as a friend and not a foe...

because I actually used it do something in REAL LIFE!!

I know. uhmazeing.

so my brother and sister-in-law had a baby in march! everett nephi. we love him to death.



 

me with the little guy winking at a hottie infant across the way. ;)

lee & carrie decided that everett's nursery would be nautical themed, and they wanted each family member to paint a canvas in that theme and those would make up the wall decor.

so.. I looked on pinterest and found a few ideas:

I really liked the last one, so I used that as my inspiration... and this was the final product!

 cute, no? it felt good to just sit and paint and be creatively meticulous for a little while - it's super calming to me.

 hooray for DOING something creative and being pleased with its cuteness!

Operation: Hot Arms

You heard me!

I will not lie and tell you that I love to exercise.

But it has come to the point where I'm willing to work hard to change what I don't love.

You see, no matter how skinny I get, my arms will always be bigger than I want because that's how the Smithson body rolls, people. And that's okay. Change what you can and accept what you can't.

But I feel they could still improve, and I'm going to at least see how much they can.

I'm probably going to wonder why I wrote this in 30 minutes hahaha.

This is all because I'm supposed to be writing a paper and I did push-ups instead...

Wow. Push ups? Just because?  

Sadie's post has never been more true!!!!!!!!!

Anyway... we'll see what I can accomplish this summer with this. Don't get your hopes up and I won't either. ;) But hopefully I can report back some positive things. BRING IT BABY.

I love weddings

they're just so happy.

except for the fact that I always feel so fat at them. hahaha.

I know that's so random but seriously every wedding I leave I get this resolve to get in shape..

anyway...

ILOVEWEDDINGS. I love love. I hope to party it up at my wedding someday. it's gunna be a mean party.

disneyland tomorrow. :)

sleep.. now. <3

One thing I will admit to hating about cats.

wet. noses.

those who know me well know that I love cats, and I HATE cat hate.

by cat hate, I mean the tendency of everyone in the universe to hate cats because it's cool to hate cats.

grow up.

cats are awesome.

you are not if you hate them for no reason.

and if you hate them because they're "no fun" and "mean" then you're judging them based on the movies and you've obviously never known more than one cat in your life!!!

ahem.

anyway.

back to the subject.

wet noses.

see, kitties get cuddly sometimes. actually a lot of the time. and when they're cuddly, all they want to do is rub their head all over you really hard. and they love it when you push back even harder. it's weird. it's love.

but at the point of that head is a wet nose. and with every rub from that cat comes a rub from their wet nose. and I really hate it. because let's face it, that's gross. and why are their noses ALWAYS wet?? all I know is that if their nose is dry, the cat is sick. weirdness.

CATS RULE.

Nothing is funnier right now.

Why I am taking a break from Pinterest

Ahh. So many thoughts.

I’m sitting in Sadie’s basement, and told her a few moments ago about how I’ve had this certain blog post in my mind forever… about how I feel I’ve lost my sense of creativity in the last year or so. And how it’s annoying me so much!!

I have always been a super creative person. Always have decorated every inch of my room, always have gone above and beyond on school projects, always have bought viewfinder binders so that I could make cute personalized covers for my different classes, always have personalized anything I owned. I prided myself on my creativity. Everyone complimented me on it. It was something completely natural to me and that defined me and that I LOVED and that encompassed my entire life!

It was a big part of me loving photography too. I’ve always loved taking pictures, but getting a professional camera made it SO much more exciting and I wanted to do so many cool creative things! I could picture everything – the poses I wanted to try, the locations, how I wanted my photography blog to look, how I was lucky enough to have Photoshop skills and web coding skills so that I could make my blog header and background look exactly how I wanted. I seriously felt so blessed all the time that I loved and was good at something that I could earn money doing. Like, perfect, right?!

Well recently… I’ve been feeling creatively dead. Like…I don’t get excited about making my blog cute anymore. Rather, I get anxious. Because I won’t be able to decide how I want it to look, and I know that no matter what I do someone else's will look better. And especially when it comes to the pictures themselves…I have been feeling dead. Lately when people e-mail me about wanting pictures, I get anxious and almost go “Dang it!” How sad is that?! And it’s just because I’m scared every time I take pictures now that I’m just getting worse, or that my pictures just won’t be good or I won’t enjoy it. It’s so annoying not loving it like I used to. Granted, I end up enjoying every photo shoot I go on, but I hate that I’m not excited about going into it like I used to be. I’m not as driven. I don’t even want to promote my business because I know that means I’ll have to do this way more often and I’m not feeling creative at ALL lately so that would just be horrible! Alright, another person asking for engagements. Where do I take them? Same place as last time? Do I feel like scoping out a new place? Didn’t I used to LOVE driving around looking for new places? Where has my zeal gone? Why isn’t this fun anymore?

Another part of the problem is that not only am I not feeling creative, I’m forgetting what I LIKE! I have always had SUCH a distinct style. I like colorful, bright, happy, flowery, cheerful things. But I’ve forgotten that somehow. I think it’s because, quite frankly, ugly is in style right now (there, I said it), and I feel like I have to like that. Okay, I realize it might not be ugly to you, but to me…all these blah hues and boyish styles are not pretty. I appreciate vintage as much as the next girl but come on… where’s the color?! And why do we all think it’s cute to wear huge ugly glasses?? Haha sorry. I guess I just feel like we’re in a fad that we’re going to say “uhhh… what?” to later on.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not feeling creative anymore because I don’t have time to… but that’s definitely not it. I have a ton of time while I’m not in school, but I waste all that time looking at other people’s blogs and websites and seeing what awesome creative things they’re up to and realizing that I’m currently not doing the awesome things they're doing. It’s like this sick addiction…checking other people’s blogs. And then feeling like crap. Haha. Why do we do this to ourselves?!

This got me thinking about Pinterest. I have a definite love/hate relationship with Pinterest. You see, it’s awesome because you get to see so many beautiful things all the time!! And then it’s awful because you get to see so many beautiful things all the time. When is the last time you actually created something you found on Pinterest? I know that for me, all I do is look at things and pin them and get off. Awesome. (…No friends, not awesome.) Not only is Pinterest a problem for me because I’m wasting so much time dreaming about stuff I’ll never actually do, but it’s a problem because I’m constantly seeing the best of the best. Oh, Jennie, you take pictures? Okay, well look at these 5 bajillion other ones that are better than yours, and try not to get sad about it. You have awesome ideas of ways to decorate your home one day? Well don’t bother, because everything you’re about to see will blow your ideas out of the water and you can bet your home will NEVER look that good. Welcome to feeling average! Haha. Ahhhh… I just…I used to be proud of my taste and my ability to find beautiful things and create beautiful things and know what my style is. It was my strength. And now the most beautiful things in every category imaginable are already found and at our fingertips. So we can either copy them, or feel lame about not being as good as them.

This particular blog post is what solidified my feelings about all of this. I remember finding that picture and thinking, “Holy crap, that’s the cutest, prettiest thing of my life! I love this, and it’s so me! How special!” And I’m so sad because looking at it now… it barely catches my attention. I probably wouldn’t repin it. Because I’ve seen better on Pinterest. And it’s just mediocre.

Do you get what I’m saying?

I love Pinterest and I’m not saying it’s bad at all. I really do think it's awesome and I'm excited about all the cute things I've found on it. I’m just saying that, lately, for ME, it’s been more of a foe than a friend. It’s made me lose my desire and even ability to be as creative as I used to be. My ideas don’t seem good enough anymore and I don’t feel blessed with a creative spirit anymore, since I’m constantly seeing the work of more creative spirits than my own. That’s why, for a little while, I’m not going to let myself get on Pinterest, or certain other blogs that make me feel mediocre too. I need to regain my sense of creativity. I need to remember what MY style is, and I need to take pride in my creativity again. I also need to actually DO creative things instead of staring at them all day. I will never get anywhere if I’m constantly comparing myself to others. It’s a definite weakness of mine, and Pinterest is making it even harder for me. I applaud those who pin things and then actually do them or make them, but since I know myself all too well, I’m not going to let myself on unless I’m actually searching for a specific thing to do. Until then, I’m leaving the creating up to me, and I’m going to get excited about being creative again. If this experiment works, I'll be able to get back on Pinterest someday soon and feel happy and inspired by all the things I see, rather than feeling mediocre and overwhelmed. 

Here's to being creative Jennie again. :)

how to avoid FB status regret

I cannot tell you how many times I sit and think for like 20 minutes about how to word my FB status, only to end up writing it in a blog post because I know I won't feel hardly as much regret writing it here and then I can elaborate.

the jist of it is...

I HATE DOING NOTHING ALONE.

doing nothing with friiiiends.. is great!

but doing nothing alone? BITES.

obviously it is necessary from time to time.

but when it becomes your daily routine... it's no bueno.

I can't wait for summer semester to start in a week and a half so I can feel like I'm doing something with my life!

ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

nothing makes me feel as worthless as sitting around doing nothing all day for several days in a row.

I'm getting in the shower. and then I'm going somewhere.

ugh, it's already 6 pm..

TRS

ordered these babies last night:

 can't wait for them to get here and to see bryce avery in all his awesome glory on june 11th!!

Luh-luh-luh-lonely

I hate being alone.

Like, physically alone.

Sadie is at work and school all day and I'm at her house, alone. 

And should be editing pictures but I don't feel happy enough and therefore motivated enough to.

But I know I will right after this anyway.

And then Saturday I move into my aunt's house for 2 weeks to house sit, which will be fun because I love her cat! haha. But I will be alone a lot. :/

 

I need human interaction!!!

Also,

wanting something so bad it hurts.. is scary. And difficult. And scary. And makes my tummy flip flop in annoying ways that I want to stop.

It's funny how life can be SO good and yet we can feel SO sdfsjelrjsldkfjsdfsehrf at certain times anyways.

My body can't calm down.

Please..

Pleeeaase let this work.

boredboredbored

lee & carrie will be here in a couple of hours!

and that means my 3 adorable nephews will be too!!

but until then I am so bored. :|

mom and I are the only ones home,

and she's watching a TV show that I'm not into.

so...

I decided to blog and bore you.

yeah.

**UPDATE**

I'm skyping with 83!!!! :)

(83 = the apartment of boys who easter pranked us. AKA the coolest friends ever.)

life is good and unboring again.

!!!!!

So remember how I'm OBSESSED with coincidences and how much they happen in my life?? Well....

Tonight I was hanging out with friends and we were talking about the high school graduation this Friday and one of them mentioned that "Jesse" was graduating and how crazy it was. So I immediately thought they were talking about this little boy Jesse that was in marching band when I was drum major (we had middle schoolers in our band) and I was like "WHAT?!" because he was so so young and that would be crazy! But I was wrong... it was a different Jesse that was graduating. But I was right about the Jesse in my head being too young to graduate. Anyway, conversation ended and I thought about how weird it was for someone I had completely forgotten about for yeeeears to come back to the surface of my mind.

Then I logged into Facebook.

And boy was freaking right there on my home page under "People You May Know."


-_-


Coincidenceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss!!! Always!

Also..

Why does staying on your couch always seem so enticing compared to getting in your bed? Like, you know sleeping on the couch in your jeans is not going to be as comfortable and you're going to wake up with a sore neck because of how high the arm is.. But you still want to stay on the couch..

I think it's because you (okay, let's be real, I) want to enjoy this moment and slow down time. Or.. Something.. Poetic-y.. Like that. I don't even know. Just tell me I'm not alone and let's figure out this weird phenomenon together. Also I just dropped my phone on my face. I wish I could say that doesn't happen ALWAYS.

Also, after thinking it was quality time for a while, I'm starting to think my love language might be words of affirmation. HmmMmMMmm?

Goodnight. <3

Home

Sitting on the couch
Watching The Office
With my dad
While we eat chips and salsa
And smile at the fireflies outside the window.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

ahhhh

ahhh

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:) :/ :O :( :D XD

lasjdlajewiodjasefksjdf!!

emotions. mostly good ones.

that is all.

Midnight thoughts (AKA long boring post)

It is a good or a bad sign when you want to marry someone strictly because of how much you love their family?

I hate that routine I get into every summer where I stay up til 2 and sleep in til 12 and my body aches all day because I've been so lazy. And yet I love it, because it's just so.... summer! And it would be wrong for it to be different!

I'm really glad my two older brothers got married before me, even though I always thought I'd for SURE get married first. I've learned so much from their marriages. Not so much about marriage.. but more about the people you marry. Like... I've learned that relationships take time to form and that we really just marry our friends. Haha I know that sounds dumb.. but I just always picture this super handsome smooth-talker charming guy sweeping me off my feet one day.. when really, it'll probably just be this guy who I wasn't in love with at first but who I've grown to be comfortable with and stuff. And like, he's gotta fit in with my chill family.. so it's not like he's going to be that different from us.. and we're just.. you know.. normal... haha. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Also, it's funny that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm going to be able to be 100% myself around my husband. I just have this stupid mindset that marriage is too good to be true and won't ever happen to me, so obviously if it DOES happen, something's not going to be right. For example, I won't be able to be my complete self. But what the heck that is so stupid of course I'll be able to be myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if I'm ever considering marrying someone I am not my COMPLETE self around, someone please slap me with a wet fish! Jeez!

I'm mental.

And you know what I realized the other day? I am totally emotional and dramatic. I like to think I'm not... but I am. I think I like to deny it because I worry so much about what people think of me.. and I hate to admit that I was that stereotypical 15 year old girl that wrote emotional thoughts all over her Myspace page and thought she was in love when she was 12. Bahhh. But whatever, right? Why does it bother me to be myself? If I'm going to be the same emotional dramatic blogger I was when I was a teenager I might as well embrace it. Even if I regret this paragraph in the morning (which I will. silly nighttime.) But I also have come to realize that we're really all like this. We all have deep thoughts and emotions... some of us just choose to publicly blog about it cuz we're craycray.

I'm officially a senior at BYU.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yeah. I know.

And I have zero plans so far for after graduation.

But I'm seriously okay with it. It's weird.. I just don't feel like I have to worry about it yet. Sadie and I have talked about this before. How we just know that something will come into our life when it needs to. And I know that the time will come where I'll seriously start thinking about what to do after graduation.. but right now I'm okay.

I hate that in 3 years I'll read back on that and hate the above paragraph and think I was being naive.

That's it! THAT'S why I hate giving into my emotional/dramatic side! Because when I write stuff down like this... I totally feel it 100%. But I KNOW that at a later time I will look back on it and be like "I was so dumb." Why?? I'm telling myself, RIGHT NOW, that I am not allowed to read back on this later and judge myself for it! Jennie! You felt these feelings... you were not being dumb or naive. You ... galsdjlaksd! Hahaha I can't explain it but I hate it so much! Just that no matter what I write, I know, even while I'm writing it, that I'll roll my eyes at it later. It's so annoying. Why do I do that?

Mrahhhhhhh.

I'm so glad Utah isn't as humid as Alabama. I was outside for 20 minutes today and my stupid hair got all frizzy and my bangs curled and I was like UH-UH thisisNOThappn'n!

I hate that I know that when I'm 30, I'm going to look back at myself right now and be mad at myself for not liking more boys or dating more or taking more chances with boys. I'm going to be mad at myself for not "living" more. But here I am.. defending myself to 30 year old Jennie!! I just don't get crushes that often, and when I do they don't last very long or they aren't reciprocated. And I really, really, really, really, really fear hurting people's feelings. I could easily find a guy I thought was cute but didn't really like and use him to fill that void, but that would be so stupidly selfish and rude. I could never hurt someone like that. I think that's why I take such a long time to open up to guys. I want to make SURE I like them before I show interest because I don't want to lead anyone on and then end up not liking them. How sad would that be? I guess that's normal... and just part of it... but I hate hate HATE the thought of trying to like someone just because I'm so desparate to like someone only to realize that I really don't like them and have known that all along and now their feelings are hurt because I'm a big MEANIE! And I know it's not because I'm meeeean but... I just.. Blahhh. I just hate when people lead people on. I've definitely hated it when guys have done it to me. Hurts like no otha.

Oh, blog posts.

I would never write a post like this at 12 noon. But something about 1:46 AM makes it okay. Why does nighttime do this to us? Seriously, along with feeling happy when a baby laughs and being led to feel different emotions when we listen to different types of music, I feel like being more emotional at night is one of those things that God just planted in us. I wonder why. Hmmm.

Sometimes I wish college took 10 years just so I wouldn't feel lame for not being married, haha. Because when I think of it in terms of years in college... being a senior at BYU and still not having a serious relationship is depressing. But when I think of it in terms of how OLD I am... being 21 and not married is FIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chillax Jennie!! Stop thinking in terms of college years or you're gunna go crazy! You're just a baybeeee!! It's gunna be. O. KAY.

Hahahaha if anyone has read this far, seriously, leave a comment so I can send you condolences... and money.

Just kidding, I have no money.

Which is a problem if I'm going to really try to get into the Winter 2013 Jerusalem study abroad... ah! /:

Okay. It might be time to end this thing.

Life is good. I am weird. You are cool. Goodnight. <3

Baby Journal

I often like to read through old journal entries, especially funny childhood ones. The messy kid hand-writing adds just as much to the enjoyment. But a few days ago I was reading journal entries that my parents wrote about me when I was a newborn. Here are just a few favorites I came across (I was born Nov. '90 for context).

May 16, 1991 (Mom)

"Since she was newborn Jennie has rolled her eyes when she first starts on a bottle - like - 'Oh that tastes so good!'"

(Basically this just made me laugh really hard, because it's so me.)

"Jen is so cute! I love buying clothes for her. I have to get 24 month size for them to fit her. She has pretty chunky legs & bottom."

(Yeeeaaaahhhhh... hahaha.)

October 16, 1991 (Mom)

"Jen is so sweet. Lately she's been playing happily in her crib in the A.M. for hours!"

(Basically just thought that was weird. What would a baby do for hours in a crib by herself?? haha.)

May 3, 1992 (Mom)

"She plays cute eye games. She'll look at you & lower her eyes or turn away & slowly look back at you in the corner of her eye. She charms people that way. Then she shakes her curly head."

(Let's face it. I just love learning that I was cute as a baby and that my entire adolescent life wasn't awkward. It's a real comfort.)

July 7, 1991 (Mom)

"Right now she's on the floor playing with my thong."

(Had a heart attack until I remembered that my parents refer to flip-flops as thongs. CRISIS AVERTED!)

"She squawks a lot."

(..I don't know what to say about that.)

And then from the one entry in my entire baby journal from my dad haha, on April 28, 1996 (Better late than never! And we'll disregard the fact that at one point he spelled my name with a "y"...)

"Dancing, skipping, singing, tickling, laughing, crying, playing are all Jennie. I love you Jennie. I can't wait for a Daddy Daughter date! You are only 5 now but not for long."

(Okay, that last line was killer! Tug on my heart strings anyone?!)


I have decided that I have to keep a journal for my kids!! Even if I have to type it all because I'm way too impatient to write stuff down anymore. But it's so cool reading back on these things, especially since I'm a Family Studies major and I've taken so many classes on child development.. it's just cool. Hooray for baby journals!

And just to give my dad some more credit... he's awesome. And he and I talked on the couch last night and he told me a lot of things about his life and his past and I just love him for all the hard things he's been through. There's something adorable about dads opening up to you when they're as non-open-uppy as mine. He's the best, and I'm pretty stinkin' grateful to be in this family!

I'm a Mormon.. and ILOVEIT!!!!

So ever since our easter prank video went on YouTube... it's been getting so many views and comments! It's seriously crazy. But what's crazier is how many of the comments have to do with us being Mormons. And how many of the comments are very hateful. /:

What gets me is the comments that are quite frankly just so ignorant. Just.. people who say that I'm in a cult and that I'm not a Christian and all this stuff. I just forget a lot of the time that people still think those things about us! It's so weird to me because it's so untrue that it just blows my mind! It makes me soo sad to know that people think such absolutely horrible things about my religion, while I can only think the most incredible things about it. Like... I can't even think of a single thing I don't like about it! Or anything that has made me feel weird about it... or anything!! It's just absolutely perfect. And I know even that sentence will just make someone upset.. but to me it really is. Like I'm struggling to even figure out what to say or how to start... the leaders of this church are so completely ridiculously selfless and wise and amazing. The organization of this church is unreal and everything is for the betterment of individuals and the family and for bringing people closer to Christ. There's none of this blind leading the blind stuff everyone insinuates.. it's not like we're idiots without brains! haha. If we felt weird or bad about something we wouldn't be a part of this religion. I just can't imagine feeling more love than I do within the "walls" of this church. Yes, it requires that I live up to certain standards... but that doesn't bother me because I believe that those standards were divinely inspired. And even if you don't follow them all perfectly, it's not like we kick you out. And no one even gets paid!! And I'm not dissing other religions that pay their pastors or anything.. I'm just saying that it's pretty amazing that we all do this even though we don't get a dime for the countless hours we put into it, no matter our position. And.. AHHHHH!!! hahaha I just go crazy sometimes because of how sad I get because people don't know how HAPPY and wonderful life is within this religion. That being said, I love all Christian faiths and am appreciative of other faiths as well that encourage good values. I totally fully support faith!!!!! I'm grateful for the chance I had to live in the south and see that Christianity is still alive and thriving and I'm so happy that so many people still believe! I just also totally fully believe that my faith adds to the good that other faiths already have.. making one big yummy delicious happy amazing incredible faith that makes people so happy their hearts might burst out of their chests!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I guess what I'm saying is.... it's one thing for people to be like, "Okay.. Mormons seem a little weird on the onset.. but whatevs," and another thing for people to be like, "WOW. I am so sorry you had to grow up in that cult! And you hate blacks! And you blindly follow your prophet! And you smell like a dirty shoe!" Haha but seriously. The super hateful ignorant comments just make me sad.. because people have noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo idea how absolutely blissfully perfectly happy this church makes me and so many others. <3

Okay. Rant over. Consider checking us out sometime - I think you might be pleasantly surprised. :)

That one movie I'm obsessed with.

It is pathetic how much I want to marry Landon Carter.

Like...... Really, really pathetic.

Gahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Airports

So I'm trying out writing a blog post with my blogger app! Feels kinda weird but there are few options of things to do while I wait for my flizzight!

So I'm currently in Atlanta, Georgia. Took like 3 1/2 hours to fly here and then I have a short 1 hour (or is it 1/2 hr?) flight to Montgomery! I used the bathroom on the plane for the first time in years today. I just never have to go that bad usually but today I did. And for some reason it was like hard to make myself do it! Not at all because I think it's unsanitary or whatever.. But just because when you stand up on a plane everyone looks at you. O.o And then what if I went in the wrong bathroom? Or didn't know how to open the door? It's so weird.. Sometimes I care unrealistically so what people think about me, and sometimes I don't care AT ALL and wonder why people care what others think of them!! Anyway.. I'm working on the former. And all went well with the bathroom trip..

You wanna know what I honestly think so much about when I'm in airports? Pornography. I know, right?? What the heck Jennie?? I shall explain. It's just that the topic of pornography is brought up a lot in my major (family studies) because it's a rampant problem that affects soooo many families. And the figures are seriously so startling to me.. It's just so normal and out there everywhere!!! So when I'm walking around in airports I'm seriously thinking, "I wonder how many men (and women) here view porn regularly..." and it freaks me out because I know it's a ton. And then I feel so uncomfortable. I don't mean to judge everyone I've ever and never met by assuming that they view porn but I'm just saying it's a big deal and I hate it. /: It's also tied so strongly to my desire to find a husband who is pure and completely opposed to anything like that. Ahhhhh. It just scares me. Seriously my major ruined me forever a little bit haha. But I know it's not everyone. But I wish it wasn't anyone. :( I have such a soft spot in my heart for GOOD guys. They make me cry because they're so strong and amazing. I wish I was joking about the crying part. Just ask anyone who heard me bear my testimony at church this year haha. Ahhhh.... GOOD MEN ROCK!!!!!!!!!! You don't know how much I appreciate you!!

As if any men read this... Lol. Oh hey Trey! ;)

Humm dee dummm.

Ah man. I have to sleep in my room alone tonight. :( That is seriously something I do not like about going home... It's so lonely! Sadie!! I need you!!!!!!

Okay. Thoughts are disappearing. I don't think all men view porn. I am in love with all good men. And I miss Sadie and knew I should have shoved her in my suitcase while she was asleep... Dang it...

skype date & going home!

I decided I need to start giving my posts relevant titles.

when looking for a specific post of mine, it takes forever because my titles are always things like, "hmmm," "UGH," "yeah...." hahaha. it's not helpful. so I'm trying to be better.

also, this closet door next to me keeps creeping open and shut. I'm seriously on the verge of a panic attack... and death. sadie sleeping 2 feet away from me is giving me some comfort, but not much, because she's totes out of it, and I'm pretty positive a masked murderer is in that closet. sadie and I basically psych ourselves out really easily when we're home alone at her parents' house. hopefully I'm still alive when you read this.

on another note.. a couple of days ago we (apt. 83 boys and us ladieees) skyped with bronwyn who is in london!! she is beautiful and seeing her face was beautiful. <3

ultimate cuteness, right? :) and look how london-y everything behind her looks! haha.

it looks like we had a great conversation. it was like 2 hours long man! and in the middle of the night for her! we love her.

I've had this disgusting problem with not being able to fall asleep lately.

last night it took 4 hours.

that is not okay.

I'm pretty positive it would take a couple of hours tonight as well... but it doesn't matter because I'm staying up packing since I'm leaving for the airport in 2 hours! haha.

alabama here I coooooooooooooome. :)

looking forward to spending mother's day at home, spending more time with my brand new NEPHEW!, obsessing over my brother and sister-in-law's new kittens and baby bunny, annoying danny with all my love, visiting kamala who awesomely lives only a short 3 hours away in georgia, hanging out with all of my friends at paige's house on the lake!, watching danny GRADUATEHIGHSCHOOLWHAT?!?! (and embarrassing him with how loud I cheer. mwwahahahahaha.), hopefully not gaining back the 10 pounds I lost doing the Whole30, gettin' my taaan onnnn!, doing some fun photoshoots, and just soaking in the time with my family. super grateful that I can go home and visit them so often!

oh, and just because you should know how great my life is,

tonight I hung out with the boys from apt. 83, and we played mario kart and ate our favorite childhood cereals while listening to 90's classics in the background.

it was glorious. :)

okay. CIAO!

back in high school.

I'm currently sitting at my aunt amy's desk at her high school classroom, watching her TEACH!!!

she teaches math.

she's the school's favorite teacher because she's that cool.

pleasant grove named a day after her.

(it's november 21st, in case you're wondering.)

well, I have to go now.. I'm going to pretend I understand any of this. :)

(for the record.. SO HAPPY to be out of high school. walking through these halls gave me the heebie-jeebies. but it is a very nice high school.)

why my easter was AMAZING.

 just watch this. please.

this is how I make decisions.